I didn't mean to lie. I had no evil intent in my actions. I went in with a clear conscience and the full goal of sharing my life and how God has shook my life to the core for the good. I prepared my thoughts, rehearsed what would be important to the story, and shared it several times with others to make sure I did my best at portraying my testimony. But somehow, this tiny little phrase that I didn't catch in my thoughts came out of my mouth, making me a liar.
I know that putting this out there for the world to know is counterintuitive, but it is important for me to be clear in my words. Hearing an unclear message when I was younger is the exact thing that frustrated my walk with God and caused me so much shame and depression.
I need to set things straight, because it has been gnawing at me and I don't want my words to haunt those who heard them for the rest of their lives. I can't take them back, so I'll have to trust that this correction reaches the people that need to hear it.
Allow me to back up a month or so ago before I dropped the big lie. I got a call while I was on vacation from a friend who asked me if I'd share my testimony during their Sunday morning services when I returned to town. I happily agreed and we discussed how we'd proceed. The service was great and I felt like God really used my testimony to reach others with similar life stories. For those that are interested, you can catch the video from the second service below. The message is great, but my part starts at about 23 minutes into the video and lasts about 12 minutes. I encourage you to listen to the message, because my buddy Jonathan is quite a funny man with some great insights. At minute 33, I lied. Watch and come back.
Now before you call me on the carpet and say for shame, let me explain how I lied. I was set free when I came up out of the water. The addiction was broken. The pattern of destructive behavior was interrupted by the grace of God, but to say, "I have not had an issue with porn since then" is not accurate. It makes it sound like there hasn't been a temptation for me. That I'm free and clear. It's not true. Let me be clear - I still have an issue with porn. The temptation lingers and is always looking for a way to take a foothold in my life again. I'm just not compelled by the addiction that controlled me.
If you've ever known a true addict, they don't know how to stop. The thing they are addicted to just torments their minds and they don't get peace until they give in to that thing. I was that addict. I would often times look at porn with tears in my eyes, knowing what I was doing was wrong, but completely unable to settle the beast within unless I caved to its demands. My hands would shake as adrenaline coursed through my body as I struggled to win the fight. The shaking would continue until I satiated the craving. It was awful.
The repetitive failures wore on me. I began to believe I would never be free from that clutches of that addiction. On a regular basis I would demand of God to know why He wouldn't set me free. Why was I was stuck in this pattern of dishonor when so many were free? I got angry and then bitter about it. Then I'd find verses that said something like how dare the clay say to the Potter why hast thou made me in such a way and I began to be ashamed even further for questioning God. The vicious cycle of shame never seemed to end. So deeper I went into depravity.
All of my life I sought out men of God, people I trusted and looked up to, and I asked them privately "What do I do with this issue in me? How do I handle it?" Not a single one of them answered me in a way that was helpful. They asked me what my schedule looked like... was I keeping myself busy... because that would keep my mind off of it. Not an ounce of spiritual application. I was frustrated because there was nothing I could do.
I would hear preachers announce from a pulpit Sunday after Sunday that I should come down front and get prayer. That when they put their hands on me, I would be set free by the power of Christ. So I ran down to an altar, trying so hard to believe that what they said was true. Everytime they offered, I went... embarassed and ashamed of my sin. And everytime I went back to my seat... bound.
I imagine this is what all the sick people felt like at the pool of Bethesda. They would all lie around waiting on an angel to come stir the water and the first one in would be healed. But the lame and blind people were screwed, because although in concept they knew that they could be healed, how were they going to get in to the pool if they were lame or who would lead them to the water if they were blind? I could relate completely, because I knew God could set me free, but I had no idea how to get there and no one could lead me to freedom. I was just stuck!
And then years later, with no effort at all on my part, no preacher to grease me up and try to push me to the ground, nothing but an act of grace broke the addiction. But the temptation remains. God never said he'd remove temptation from us, but that with the temptation, He would always provide a means of escape. He also said He'd never give us more than we can bear. That means that whatever comes my way I can handle it and that there will always be a way out, but I have to choose that escape. It isn't automatic. I have to know where the slippery slope to sin starts and build guard rails like they do for winding roads in the hills of Kentucky to make sure the cars don't go flying off into the blue yonder and then crash at the base of the holler.
Nowadays I'm able to guard my heart so that when temptations come I can deal with them in a healthy way. To have you believe anything other than I am a man with temptations just like you puts me in a place that sickens me, because for so many years no one could share this simple truth with me. They didn't teach me how to guard my heart. Fellow Christians led me to believe that my sin was so shameful that I had to bury it and not tell anyone about it, which is completely contrary to what God tells us to do. He says to confess your faults one to another and pray for one another that you may be restored. Isn't that something? Confessing to someone else is freeing and will begin your restoration process. It also, by virtue of the confession, creates an accountability partner and someone who will continue to pray for you!
My point in sharing all of this is because I don't want you to think I don't struggle, because that very perception is what had me beating myself up all of my life. The idea that there were perfect people out there who God liked better than me. He must have, because He had given them freedom from temptation and sin. That thought alone was enough to shame me into a deep pit of despair. It simply isn't true though. I had believed a lie. I thought I wasn't worthy enough. The truth is, I'm not worthy enough. But neither were the men and women I thought were living sinless lives that were free from temptation.
The truth is that all Christians have a sin issue. It may not be your issue, but they do have one. And the pompous, judgmental attitudes they have about others' sin is abhorable. All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. ALL! You don't need to answer to them for your sin. You answer to God and Him alone. You may have to deal with the consequences of your sin, which may involve people, but their sin makes them no different than you.
I don't want you to feel defeated any longer. I want to encourage you that if you are addicted to something to confess it someone you trust and ask them to pray with you. God is faithful to the verse that says to submit to God (to His will and what His Word says), resist the enemy (temptation), and he will flee. It is truly as simple as that. When you are being tempted, take the escape hatch quickly. Don't hang around to see if you can handle it. Don't press to see how far you can go without getting snagged. The fire of hell is hot. Don't hang around that sin to see how long you can stand the fire without getting burned. Run! The truth is, you know exactly what I'm talking about too.
And for those of you that are mad at God because you've been praying for years to be free... For those of you that have cried your eyes out again and again because of your shame and how your actions are affecting your loved ones and your life... I want you to know that I have looked back on my life and considered that time being an addict a blessing. It may be tough to see it that way, so I'll briefly explain.
Jesus healed a blind man who had been blind for 30 years. And after He healed the man, the disciples asked Him, "Who sinned, this man or his parents that he has been blind these 30 years?" Jesus' answer is astounding. He says "Neither". In other words, the man did nothing to deserve it. His parents had done nothing that this curse had been passed down to him. Nothing at all. His life circumstances were created for one reason and one reason alone. Jesus continues to say that the man was blind these 30 years so that in the moment that he received healing, God would be glorified.
It is the same for me. I was allowed to experience all of this pain and personal anguish so that when God, in a moment of grace, set me free from the sin and addiction that I had so readily entangled myself with, that He would be glorified. To be glorified simply means that He would be elevated in my opinion and estimation of Him. That I would open my mouth and declare His greatness, because there was nothing I could've done to set myself free. This declaration would draw me closer to Him. The very fact that He did what I could not drew my heart to His.
I had to stop accusing God of the evil in my life. I learned that when bad things happen, there is something at work in me. That all things will work out for the benefit of those that serve God. I keep this in mind and try to remember to count it all joy when I'm under pressure and being tested in a trial, just as it says in James 1. I don't like pain anymore than anyone else, but the fruit of the pain I do like.
So be encouraged. Your pain isn't for nothing. That addiction is only there to serve as a great testimony for you. Continue to seek God and Him alone. No man can set you free. I've prayed for every single one of you that read this and are dealing with addictions. I believe you can be free. Not free from temptation, but free from the thing that binds you.
If you're still with me, I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to clarify my statement. As you can see, I'm passionate about being clear. I don't want any of you to live under false pretenses. I know how those false ideas kept me bound, so my effort today is to obliterate the chances of me creating them in you. Jesus paid too high a price for any of us to live in bondage.
Everything happens for a reason. That means I lied for a reason. As I said before, I didn't mean to lie in the first place. However, doing so has allowed me to say so much more about addiction than I was able to in my testimony. That, I feel, is definitely a good thing. Oh, and I promise that I will try to use my words more carefully. For now, please forgive me for lying.
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